True Blue Broken Heart

I don't know that I will ever fully understand why a god that I prayed to everyday to beg for you life chose to take it.
I had some of the strongest prayer warriors I know praying for each and every one of you as you were hidden tiny and unseen.  I had these warriors praying for your safe arrival along with me, and yet the answer for your lives was still no.
How do I understand that and continue to trust in and love Him?
I stop myself when I go to pray now. I don't know anymore that He is up there listening. Why was the answer no to this question? Why was the answer no to your life?


There is an odd sense of knowing. Of knowing clambering with unspeakable hope. Even as some part of you knows it is already over, the other part; the part INFECTED by hope lives on refusing to be pushed down by the knowing. Even as the ridiculous hope senses that the knowing is right it still drags you into baby stores, maternity shops, and through hundreds of pages of baby name books. The hope is the last to acknowledge the loss, making it one of the worst parts of the pain. The GOD AWFUL pain of losing a baby you have already rocked, nursed, soothed, and smiled at hundreds of times in your heart.
The damned hope is the part that makes it hurt so fucking bad. And you would think that Hope and her bastard sister Optimism would get a god damned clue.
But, they don't. And you don't know if they ever will...because the after is almost as bad. The yearning want of that baby that can't be squelched no matter how much the knowing demands to be heard. There is no getting back that which is lost. There isn't, and won't be a third living child.
Often God denies the pleas of his children and we smile and quip "Sometimes His answer is no. "

But why was it no to your life?

 

<3 Quinn Ellis Mourer  <3

&,

<3<3Four early angel babies <3 <3

Respond to every call that excites your spirit.
-Rumi

This is today. It isn't yesterday and it isn't tomorrow.

Currently...

1. Listening...To the kids run around chasing each other and the annoyance of PBS kids. Must children's educational programming be so damn irritating??

2.Eating...Nothing. I should find something though because my stomach is growling. Just coffee for breakfast doesn't seem to be cutting it today.

3. Drinking...lukewarm coffee with hazelnut creamer and sugar.

4. Wearing...chapstick and a smile. Lol..OK OK..jeans, blue three quarter sleeve t-shirt, zip up U of M hoodie, and the usual necessities of bra, underwear and socks of course.

5. Feeling...hungry. tired. sore. But, excited about our play date we leave for in half an hour, then the kids are spending the night with Grandma and Grandpa on the ranch and we're going to my dad's gig...so no kids, a grown up night out and a little bit of sleeping in tomorrow!!!

6. Weather...GREY. Blah. Gloomy. Cold. Dreary. Cranky.

7. Wanting... *SIGH*

8. Needing... *SIGH*

9. Thinking... Wow. Hmm. Right now about my new hair experiment, my best friend (who i am text consulting about the hair thing as she's been through the valley and now resides in the fabulous hair promised land...) How freaking hungry I am...seriously? I NEVER eat this early in the day. That I need to cut my nails...they're uneven and long. That we need to get ready soon and get the kids herded out the door and into the car. WHY is Super Why so annoying? I mean seriously. EVERY single character. Figuring out what the kids are doing upstairs one is yelling "Don't let go!!! Don't let go!!!" so maybe they are reenacting the end of Titanic? (a paraphrased version clearly...) No...really...Super Why get it together. I love Phineas and Ferb..that's a really good and funny kids show...not so much on the educational aspects but there is some good vocabulary in there...Phineas and Ferb should be on now. How does my 6.5 year old know so much about adoption? Oh and why does my son have a lampshade on his head?

10.Enjoying...My tepid coffee and the hilarity of my little ones. Soon the company of a terrific friend and her darling children.

A thousand shades

"There are a thousand shade of white and a thousand shades of black, but the same rule always applies...smile pretty and watch your back."-Ani Difranco

Writing a blog can be intimidating.
What if the 4 people who may visit it think I'm an idiot...what if it doesn't make sense because you don't really KNOW me and know that my mind goes in 7,000 directions at once? That I write like I talk, particularly when it's not fiction. My brain follows tangents down rabbit holes and while it makes perfect connected sense in my head, I can almost see people's ears pouring smoke as they try to grasp at the ribbon that ties all the thought processes together. I talk the same way. One thing I start to say will trigger something else and that pours out of my mouth. Add that to my absolute horror at uncomfortable silence and sometimes my mouth is just off and running. At least if you're reading this and don't actually ever talk to me you won't have to keep up with my flying lips...because not only does my brain move fast but my speech skips along with it. My dad is forever telling me "Stop! Start over...SLOWLY!" (Of course he's old and a man...so REALLY not a prime listener!) Furthermore, I'm always afraid people will lose interest in what I'm saying, and I am supremely uncomfortable talking in any kind of group setting, so part of the fast talking comes from saying what i want to say as quickly as possible before others lose interest, as well as to stop being the center of attention as fast as possible.
Oh I have overcome a lot of that stuff mostly by pretending I was confident for so long. It's amazing what you can get through when you just pretend.
Maybe there's a life lesson in that..? Probably not.
Anyway!
Sometimes things don't go the way you want them to go. Things that in an ideal setting would be perfect. That's disappointing. It can apply to anything, but it gets particularly tricky when other people's feelings become involved. Sometimes they are warranted, or genuinely have a vested interest in the situation...sometimes it is through forcing themselves into a situation that really has nothing to do with them. Sometimes it's something as simple as the timing being off and just having to wait for it to be right. Usually, it isn't meant to be. Occasionally it means that tough decisions have to be made and people hurt. It can also mean that you have to let go of a desire or a wish that you've held in your heart for a long time because it just doesn't seem meant to be.
I'm dealing with a couple of these situations right now and it sucks. It's so hard to know what the right thing to do is sometimes. Especially if your brain works like mine and can see too many arguments for and against each decision or action in the process.
They tell me I'm smart and creative. But I don't feel smart and creative. They tell me things will all work out the way they are supposed to in the end. But I dont' feel like they will.
Sometimes the decision is letting go or fighting on and when you can't see the end result (God I hate that!) it's so hard to know which is the right things to do. In losing sometimes we gain, but sometimes we just lose.
There are a thousand shades of white, there are a thousand shades of black, and there are even more shades of grey. Not everything that appears right is right and not everything that appears wrong is wrong...sometimes you just have to listen closely to your heart and wait for the decision to make itself.

In which I give my husband a heart attack.

 

So this is what my hair is like now. It comes to the middle of my back. It gets caught in things. It's heavy. It's wild.
And my husband loves it.
I do too most days.
But sometimes I dream of...

something easier..

something more badass...

something fun...

something I will love for 12 hours and then spend 4 years regretting as I grow it back out ;-)

So, I guess, for now...I will stick to my crazy mane of medium length hair and see what new lengths bring.

(Maybe this picture post will help shake my damn writer's block I have going on both here and in my real writing!!)

4 Years Ago Today

I didn't sleep a wink the night before. I was too nervous. Too excited. Too wound up.
I knew we had to be up before the break of dawn that icy frigid January day.
I took a bath. I read. I wrote. I watched terrible middle of the night tv.
The tech at the hospital took forever to find a vein to place my iv. I got hot and woozy and there was blood EVERYWHERE.
Then the anesthesiologist came to talk to me and asked me how tall I was.
"5 ft" I replied, confused.
"Oh. Some women your height have trouble with the spinal, it makes them feel like they can't breathe."
Wonderful, one more thing to worry about.
Then Dr. Wright came in an some of my fears assuaged. It's wonderful to have a doctor who you like and trust implicitly. He held my shoulders and reassured me during the spinal.
I was in a brightly lit operating room alone in a sea of doctors, residents, nurses, and techs. Nick was in the hallway and I was afraid they would forget him, but too shy and self conscious to ask for him. Finally they remembered and brought him in.
It took forever for them to get you out. I felt like I was going to throw up and I was sooo cold. Eventually, after a lot of swearing and pushing and pulling, Dr. Wright and a resident got my baby out. They didn't show you to me right away like they did with your sister and my heart was going nuts with worry...then you cried. And I think I did too. You were so big and beautiful. I loved you even more the moment I held you in my arms. After an hour in recovery you finally had a name and Pierce Ryan you were loved.
I felt like you were slighted being the second child, the second grandchild. I thought the others wouldn't love you as much as they did your sister. I think I was afraid I wouldn't love you as much and projected that on to the others. The fear of you being not loved enough lingered over me and you for almost the first year of your life. But, how could anyone NOT love you? You were sweet, and adorable, snuggly and funny. You were my baby boy and I was your mama.
I was always afraid to lose you.
More than your sister. I knew she was resilient and meant to be.
The struggle and time  it took to get pregnant with you stored fear in my heart. The fact that we used Clomid to have you placed seeds of doubt in my soul that maybe God would be mad that we "forced" his hand to have you and he would steal you back.
Then you began to have health problems. Nothing too terrible. But frightening just the same.
You got  a stomach virus and had to be hospitalized with iv's for dehydration. Twice. You threw up for days and when it would seem to get better you would throw up the Zofran that was supposed to stop the vomiting, and I was TERRIFIED I would lose you.
Then there was the morning you woke up pale and screaming. I took you downstairs to feed and change you and all you did was scream and grab your stomach. So we rushed you to the ER. Where the peds area was closed and they didn't  know how to handle such a tiny patient effectively. There was the ultrasound and the iv and the ambulance ride to U of M. There were more doctors, more tests, more ultrasounds and meds. Finally you were better, but admitted overnight. And all I could think was this is it, he's going to die.
Now you're 4 and have been healthy and safe for awhile now and the fear is leaving.
I had hoped that you would be a big brother by now. Daddy and I desperately wanted to have 3 children. But it seems God remembers my whispered pleas in the agony of infertility when I told him if you came and lived and breathed that I wouldn't  ask him for more. You have 4 angel siblings up in heaven waiting to meet you in a long long long time my beautiful baby boy. And, it seems you're meant to be my baby here on Earth.
I am so blessed by you Pierce Ryan, every single day. Your tiny voice. Your chubby booty. Your sweet smile. Your quick wit. You are so much like me. Every day I see it more and more. I am sorry for some of that, but I think you are going to be a fantastic young man my boy. I thank God every day for delivering you safely (again and again) into my arms. I wish you a happy happy birthday today and can't wait to see you grow and change throughout this coming year of your life.

7 year itch?

To my husband on our 7th wedding anniversary:
I knew right away that you were the one for me.
And you knew it too...
You all but worshipped me.
You were a bad boy with a beautiful heart.
You made me laugh
We wanted the same things in life you and I. Marriage and kids and love and life.
We dated for 6 weeks before you asked me to marry you.
Somehow, in that short time, we both knew. Your soul spoke to my soul. Your soul possessed my soul. We were linked and locked and madly in love.
People thought we were crazy. People thought we'd never make it. But it's been you and I together against all odds ever since.
Truth is, if I could be with anyone...I would still be with you.
You are my happy.
Sure there have been bumps and struggles along the way. And there have been unforseen twists in our path. But we just hold hands and forge our way through together. You and I against the world my love. That which might have broken us has only made us stronger.
These 7 years have brought us our two beautiful children and three sweet angels up in heaven who we'll meet and hold someday. These 7 years have taken us from house to house and city to city, but wherever you are is my home. We've been up, we've been down, and we've been stuck in the middle together. Through tragedies and hardships, through miracles and celebrations, through sickness and health. Through rich times and poor. Then, now, and forever...

You were the light in my darkest time. And,when sadness was my ocean, it was you who encouraged me to swim. 
There is no one else I would rather wake up next to, or fall asleep beside. There is only your hand when I reach out to anchor myself. You are the listener of my stories, the encourager of my dreams, you are the rock upon which I build my home.

Despite everything and through it all, I still know. You are my soulmate. You are my love. You are my life. I can't picture doing this thing without you and I love you more now than I did that frigid day seven years ago when we made our vows, to each other before God and family.
Happy Anniversary baby. You own my heart and soul and I love you more than anyone but you may ever know.