I had some of the strongest prayer warriors I know praying for each and every one of you as you were hidden tiny and unseen. I had these warriors praying for your safe arrival along with me, and yet the answer for your lives was still no.
How do I understand that and continue to trust in and love Him?
I stop myself when I go to pray now. I don't know anymore that He is up there listening. Why was the answer no to this question? Why was the answer no to your life?
There is an odd sense of knowing. Of knowing clambering with unspeakable hope. Even as some part of you knows it is already over, the other part; the part INFECTED by hope lives on refusing to be pushed down by the knowing. Even as the ridiculous hope senses that the knowing is right it still drags you into baby stores, maternity shops, and through hundreds of pages of baby name books. The hope is the last to acknowledge the loss, making it one of the worst parts of the pain. The GOD AWFUL pain of losing a baby you have already rocked, nursed, soothed, and smiled at hundreds of times in your heart.
The damned hope is the part that makes it hurt so fucking bad. And you would think that Hope and her bastard sister Optimism would get a god damned clue.
But, they don't. And you don't know if they ever will...because the after is almost as bad. The yearning want of that baby that can't be squelched no matter how much the knowing demands to be heard. There is no getting back that which is lost. There isn't, and won't be a third living child.
Often God denies the pleas of his children and we smile and quip "Sometimes His answer is no. "
But why was it no to your life?
<3 Quinn Ellis Mourer <3
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<3<3Four early angel babies <3 <3
