4 Years Ago Today

I didn't sleep a wink the night before. I was too nervous. Too excited. Too wound up.
I knew we had to be up before the break of dawn that icy frigid January day.
I took a bath. I read. I wrote. I watched terrible middle of the night tv.
The tech at the hospital took forever to find a vein to place my iv. I got hot and woozy and there was blood EVERYWHERE.
Then the anesthesiologist came to talk to me and asked me how tall I was.
"5 ft" I replied, confused.
"Oh. Some women your height have trouble with the spinal, it makes them feel like they can't breathe."
Wonderful, one more thing to worry about.
Then Dr. Wright came in an some of my fears assuaged. It's wonderful to have a doctor who you like and trust implicitly. He held my shoulders and reassured me during the spinal.
I was in a brightly lit operating room alone in a sea of doctors, residents, nurses, and techs. Nick was in the hallway and I was afraid they would forget him, but too shy and self conscious to ask for him. Finally they remembered and brought him in.
It took forever for them to get you out. I felt like I was going to throw up and I was sooo cold. Eventually, after a lot of swearing and pushing and pulling, Dr. Wright and a resident got my baby out. They didn't show you to me right away like they did with your sister and my heart was going nuts with worry...then you cried. And I think I did too. You were so big and beautiful. I loved you even more the moment I held you in my arms. After an hour in recovery you finally had a name and Pierce Ryan you were loved.
I felt like you were slighted being the second child, the second grandchild. I thought the others wouldn't love you as much as they did your sister. I think I was afraid I wouldn't love you as much and projected that on to the others. The fear of you being not loved enough lingered over me and you for almost the first year of your life. But, how could anyone NOT love you? You were sweet, and adorable, snuggly and funny. You were my baby boy and I was your mama.
I was always afraid to lose you.
More than your sister. I knew she was resilient and meant to be.
The struggle and time  it took to get pregnant with you stored fear in my heart. The fact that we used Clomid to have you placed seeds of doubt in my soul that maybe God would be mad that we "forced" his hand to have you and he would steal you back.
Then you began to have health problems. Nothing too terrible. But frightening just the same.
You got  a stomach virus and had to be hospitalized with iv's for dehydration. Twice. You threw up for days and when it would seem to get better you would throw up the Zofran that was supposed to stop the vomiting, and I was TERRIFIED I would lose you.
Then there was the morning you woke up pale and screaming. I took you downstairs to feed and change you and all you did was scream and grab your stomach. So we rushed you to the ER. Where the peds area was closed and they didn't  know how to handle such a tiny patient effectively. There was the ultrasound and the iv and the ambulance ride to U of M. There were more doctors, more tests, more ultrasounds and meds. Finally you were better, but admitted overnight. And all I could think was this is it, he's going to die.
Now you're 4 and have been healthy and safe for awhile now and the fear is leaving.
I had hoped that you would be a big brother by now. Daddy and I desperately wanted to have 3 children. But it seems God remembers my whispered pleas in the agony of infertility when I told him if you came and lived and breathed that I wouldn't  ask him for more. You have 4 angel siblings up in heaven waiting to meet you in a long long long time my beautiful baby boy. And, it seems you're meant to be my baby here on Earth.
I am so blessed by you Pierce Ryan, every single day. Your tiny voice. Your chubby booty. Your sweet smile. Your quick wit. You are so much like me. Every day I see it more and more. I am sorry for some of that, but I think you are going to be a fantastic young man my boy. I thank God every day for delivering you safely (again and again) into my arms. I wish you a happy happy birthday today and can't wait to see you grow and change throughout this coming year of your life.