A thousand shades

"There are a thousand shade of white and a thousand shades of black, but the same rule always applies...smile pretty and watch your back."-Ani Difranco

Writing a blog can be intimidating.
What if the 4 people who may visit it think I'm an idiot...what if it doesn't make sense because you don't really KNOW me and know that my mind goes in 7,000 directions at once? That I write like I talk, particularly when it's not fiction. My brain follows tangents down rabbit holes and while it makes perfect connected sense in my head, I can almost see people's ears pouring smoke as they try to grasp at the ribbon that ties all the thought processes together. I talk the same way. One thing I start to say will trigger something else and that pours out of my mouth. Add that to my absolute horror at uncomfortable silence and sometimes my mouth is just off and running. At least if you're reading this and don't actually ever talk to me you won't have to keep up with my flying lips...because not only does my brain move fast but my speech skips along with it. My dad is forever telling me "Stop! Start over...SLOWLY!" (Of course he's old and a man...so REALLY not a prime listener!) Furthermore, I'm always afraid people will lose interest in what I'm saying, and I am supremely uncomfortable talking in any kind of group setting, so part of the fast talking comes from saying what i want to say as quickly as possible before others lose interest, as well as to stop being the center of attention as fast as possible.
Oh I have overcome a lot of that stuff mostly by pretending I was confident for so long. It's amazing what you can get through when you just pretend.
Maybe there's a life lesson in that..? Probably not.
Anyway!
Sometimes things don't go the way you want them to go. Things that in an ideal setting would be perfect. That's disappointing. It can apply to anything, but it gets particularly tricky when other people's feelings become involved. Sometimes they are warranted, or genuinely have a vested interest in the situation...sometimes it is through forcing themselves into a situation that really has nothing to do with them. Sometimes it's something as simple as the timing being off and just having to wait for it to be right. Usually, it isn't meant to be. Occasionally it means that tough decisions have to be made and people hurt. It can also mean that you have to let go of a desire or a wish that you've held in your heart for a long time because it just doesn't seem meant to be.
I'm dealing with a couple of these situations right now and it sucks. It's so hard to know what the right thing to do is sometimes. Especially if your brain works like mine and can see too many arguments for and against each decision or action in the process.
They tell me I'm smart and creative. But I don't feel smart and creative. They tell me things will all work out the way they are supposed to in the end. But I dont' feel like they will.
Sometimes the decision is letting go or fighting on and when you can't see the end result (God I hate that!) it's so hard to know which is the right things to do. In losing sometimes we gain, but sometimes we just lose.
There are a thousand shades of white, there are a thousand shades of black, and there are even more shades of grey. Not everything that appears right is right and not everything that appears wrong is wrong...sometimes you just have to listen closely to your heart and wait for the decision to make itself.